Dealing with Criticism and Projection Without Losing Yourself

Shame has many disguises. Sometimes it comes from our own internal voice — the one shaped by past trauma, abuse, and toxic messaging. Other times, it shows up in the voices of others. It can slip into our lives through hurtful words, accusations, or constant criticism.

Here’s the part we often miss when we’re dealing with criticism and projection — many of those criticisms are not actually about us. They’re about the other person’s own shame.

When someone projects their shame onto you, it can be hard to see clearly in the moment. You might find yourself doubting your worth, second-guessing your decisions, or apologizing for something you didn’t even do.

What Is Shame Projection?

Shame projection happens when someone takes the feelings they can’t face in themselves and tries to put them onto someone else. It’s not always intentional. In fact, many people do it without realizing. But the effect is the same, you end up carrying the weight of their unhealed pain. When you start dealing with criticism and projection in a healthy way, you can recognize that these reactions aren’t truly about you.

For example, if someone feels insecure about their ability to set healthy boundaries, they might call you selfish when you set yours. If they feel bad about a mistake they made, they might accuse you of being too emotional instead of taking responsibility.

The core idea is this: projection is about them, not you. 

That’s why understanding projection is so powerful, it helps you stop absorbing false narratives about who you are.

 

When Criticism Is Really About Them Not You

Not every criticism is a projection. Sometimes people give feedback to help you grow or improve. Healthy criticism focuses on a specific action or behavior, and it’s usually paired with respect and care.

Projection, on the other hand, feels different. It’s often:

• Vague or personal — targeting who you are instead of what you did
• Emotionally charged — said in anger or defensiveness
• One-sided — no willingness to hear your perspective

When projection is hidden in criticism, it’s like someone handing you a heavy backpack of shame and expecting you to carry it.

But you don’t have to accept it.

 

Five Common Put Downs That Are Really Just Projection

Let’s look at some examples and unpack what’s really going on beneath the surface.

Criticism: “You’re selfish.”
Projection: This person is upset because you set a boundary they didn’t like. Your “selfishness” is actually you protecting your energy or time, something they may struggle to do for themselves.

Criticism: “You’re too emotional.”
Projection: This person did or said something wrong and doesn’t want to take responsibility. By calling you “emotional,” they shift the focus away from their actions and onto your reaction.

Criticism: “You’re boring.”
Projection: This person wants you to do something you don’t enjoy, and they feel bad or rejected because you don’t share their interests.

Criticism: “You’re needy.”
Projection: This person doesn’t want to meet the need you’ve expressed, whether it’s emotional support, time together, or practical help.

Criticism: “You’re stupid.”
Projection: This person is upset that you don’t agree with them or see things their way. Instead of engaging with your point of view, they attack your intelligence.

When you start dealing with criticism and projection through this lens, it becomes easier to step back and ask, “Is this actually about me, or is it about them?”

 

Why Their Words Feel Personal Even When They Aren’t

If projection is about the other person, why does it feel so personal?

The answer is trauma. Survivors often grow up in environments where love and acceptance were conditional. You may have been criticized or shamed for normal needs, feelings, or boundaries. Over time, you learned to scan for danger and take responsibility for other people’s emotions.

This creates a pattern:

• Someone criticizes you.
• Your nervous system registers it as a threat.
• You scramble to “fix” it — by apologizing, changing yourself, or staying small.

Here’s the truth: you are not responsible for managing other people’s unhealed wounds.

The first step in breaking the cycle is noticing when projection is happening. The second step is refusing to carry the shame. You can acknowledge their feelings without accepting their false story about you.

 

How to Speak Up Without Throwing Shame Back

Sometimes we’re on the other side — we feel disappointed, frustrated, or hurt, and we’re tempted to criticize. This is human. But if we want healthy relationships, we need to express our feelings without projecting our own shame.

One way to do this is to focus on the behavior instead of attacking the person. A helpful approach is to structure your words like this:

“When you do __________ (behavior), I feel __________ (feeling).”

For example:

Instead of “You’re selfish,” say, “When you cancel our plans at the last minute, I feel hurt and unimportant.”

Instead of “You’re so emotional,” say, “When you raise your voice, I feel overwhelmed and shut down.”

This shifts the conversation from blame to understanding. It invites problem-solving instead of power struggles — a powerful way to build trust and connection.

 

The Next Moves That Put You Back in Control

Here are some ways you can begin putting this into practice:

Step 1: Pause before reacting.

When someone criticizes you, take a breath. Ask yourself, “Is this about me, or is this their projection?”

Step 2: Translate the criticism.

Use the examples above to reframe what might really be going on for them.

Step 3: Ground yourself in your truth.

Remind yourself, “Their words are about their feelings. I don’t have to take them on.”

Step 4: Respond (or don’t) with intention.

You can choose to clarify, set a boundary, or walk away. You don’t owe anyone access to you if they continue to project.

Step 5: Practice healthy communication yourself.

When you have concerns, focus on the behavior and your feelings — not the other person’s worth or identity.

 

Walking Away Lighter and Stronger Than Before

You can’t stop other people from projecting their shame, but you can stop carrying it.

The next time someone throws criticism your way, pause. Look beneath the surface. Is it truly about you, or is it their own unhealed wound speaking?

You are not selfish for protecting your boundaries. You are not “too emotional” for having feelings. You are not needy for wanting connection.

When you start dealing with criticism and projection from a place of clarity, you’ll see that the shame that comes through projection was never yours to begin with. You have the right to set it down and walk forward without its weight.

 

If You’re Ready to Step Out from Under Shame

You don’t have to carry projections that were never yours.

Book a free discovery call to explore joining a support group designed for women breaking free from old patterns and reclaiming their identity.

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