The Queen of Denial: Recognizing Denial in Abuse Recovery Part 1

Before I began my healing journey, the Queen of Denial was a crown I wore well. I didn’t see it that way at the time, of course. I saw myself as strong, responsible, capable. I believed I just needed to manage my emotions better, try harder, be more understanding, and get over it. Looking back, I realize what I was really doing: stuffing my feelings, rationalizing harmful behavior, and calling it strength.

If you’re reading this, you may be realizing that you’ve been doing the same. If so, I want you to know—you’re not alone. And there’s no shame in that.

This is the first post in a three-part series on how to recognize denial in abuse recovery. If you’ve found yourself justifying someone’s behavior, blaming yourself for their actions, or numbing how you really feel just to get through the day, this series is for you. Together, we’ll explore what denial really is, why we stay in it, and how to begin breaking free.

What Is Denial—Really?

Denial is not weakness. It’s not ignorance. It’s a defense mechanism—something your mind does to protect you from what it believes you’re not ready to face.

In trauma recovery, denial often shows up when our pain is too great or too complicated to confront head-on. You may be denying:

• That abuse is even happening
• That what happened in the past still affects you
• That your feelings matter
• That your needs are not being met

We are wired to deny certain things for our survival. That wiring helped us get through some really hard stuff. But if we stay there—if we live in denial—it keeps us stuck in cycles of shame, confusion, and self-blame.

My Story: Denial Dressed Up as Strength

I didn’t grow up believing in therapy or emotional unpacking. I thought talking about childhood pain was just blaming others for your problems. So I did what I knew—ignored the pain, minimized my needs, and rationalized everything.

It wasn’t until I was fifty years old—after a second divorce and a string of broken relationships—that I was finally able to say it: I had been emotionally abused. And I had denied it for years.

Here are just a few of the things I told myself during that marriage:

• “He doesn’t hit me, so it’s not abuse.”
• “He had a rough childhood—he can’t help it.”
• “He’s just sensitive. I need to be more careful with my words.”
• “When it’s good, it’s so good. I can live with the bad parts.”
• “If I change, maybe things will get better.”

I excused everything until there was nothing left to excuse. With the help of a counselor, I finally accepted the truth I had been avoiding—and that’s when the real healing began.

The 4 Degrees of Denial

Denial exists on a spectrum. Sometimes it’s not total blindness—it’s subtle, layered, and deeply ingrained. These are the four degrees of denial that often show up in how to recognize denial in abuse recovery:

1. Denial that the problem exists

“I don’t have daddy issues. My dad was strict, but not abusive.”

This is the kind of denial where you can’t even see the issue yet. You may not recognize the emotional neglect, trauma, or boundary violations for what they were.

2. Minimization or rationalization

“At least he never hit me.”
“She was just doing her best.”

This is when you acknowledge something happened but downplay it. You may excuse the abuser’s behavior, especially if they were also a victim themselves.

3. Denial of the consequences

“Yeah, my parents were harsh, but I turned out fine.”

Here, you admit what happened—but dismiss how it’s affecting you today. You may still believe you “should” be over it.

4. Refusal to seek help

“This is just who I am. I don’t need therapy.”
“People need to accept me the way I am.”

This is where many people get stuck. They know something isn’t right, but fear, pride, or shame keeps them from reaching out.

Insert this youtube video https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eMi0UysXEac

Signs You Might Be in Denial

If you’re unsure whether denial is showing up in your life, here are a few signs:

• You wish things were different but keep telling yourself they’re fine.
• You often say, “If only they would…”
• You hide aspects of your relationship from others.
• You believe promises from someone who consistently lets you down.
• You feel resentment but never express it.
• You avoid difficult conversations or walk on eggshells.
• You blame yourself for other people’s behavior.
• You think: “If I just love them better, this will work.”

You may have even pulled away from friends or family out of shame. I did. I stopped letting people in because I didn’t want them to see what was really going on behind closed doors. That isolation is one of denial’s cruelest side effects.

Why Denial Feels Safer Than the Truth

The truth is hard to face. That’s why denial sticks around.

Here are a few reasons we cling to it:

Fear of being alone

Sometimes we believe that even toxic love is better than no love at all.

Shame

We don’t want to admit we made the same mistake twice. Or that we ignored red flags. Or that we stayed too long.

Familiarity

Dysfunction often feels normal—especially if it mirrors what we grew up with.

Rationalization

We excuse harmful behavior because “they had a hard life,” or “they’re trying.”

Hope

We hold onto the good days, believing they’re the real version of the person—and the bad days are just an exception.

Exhaustion

Change takes energy. And sometimes we just don’t feel strong enough to face the reality of what needs to happen.

You’re Not Failing—You’re Awakening

It’s easy to judge ourselves once we start seeing clearly. But don’t confuse awakening with failure.

Seeing denial doesn’t mean you were weak before. It means you’re ready now.

And you don’t have to fix everything today. This is not about walking out the door—it’s about telling yourself the truth, maybe for the first time in years.

In the Next Post…

We’ll dive deeper into why denial becomes so comfortable—and what it really costs us when we stay there. You’ll see that the problem isn’t just the abuse—it’s what denial slowly steals from your identity, your peace, and your future.

This is where healing begins…

If this post resonated with you, and you’re ready to explore healing in a safe, supportive space, I invite you to book a discovery call. We’ll talk about what support could look like for you—no pressure, no judgment.

Take five minutes to journal:

“Where in your life have you made excuses for someone else’s behavior or downplayed your own needs?”

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